It's Day Two at Vasculitis Rehab. I normally have trouble sleeping, since I'm on 35 mgs of Prednisone. Now I'm old-fashionedly tired and it's barely half past nine. How did this happen?
At home my alarm goes off at eight. I take my meds and try to get up by nine thirty. Here I have to dress up and get downstairs for breakfast. And no chance for a nap after that either.
Today I met my physiotherapist and started to work on some goals for the rest of the year. I noticed how aimless I've become, living only for today. The only aim I've had is remission. And taking my meds and lab tests have been the only things I've done to reach remission. My body has become like a stranger I watch closely with a mixture of fear and mild disgust. When there's a change, I immediately see Wegener's Granulomatosis flaring...
I decided to put down three very concrete aims for myself.
- Improve my walking. Now I often use my rollator outside and at the mall etc just to be on the safe side. I'm quite capable of walking with my walking poles, too. Today I noticed that I'm so afraid of my body's reactions that I don't want to sweat or try anything out of the ordinary. But after a sweatty walk through the woods I went straight to my stretching class, after that I rested for a while, took hot and cold showers - and felt heavenly. Endorphine rush, my first in a year and a half! So, I decided that I'm going to be able to walk for 2,5 kms by the end of the year. Now I do 1,2 kms.
- Improve my socializing habits. I hate the way I look, so I stay at home as much as possible. I used to be quite active, and I need new stimuli. Thanks to my home town I can take a taxi ten times a month for a nominal pay. I never go anywhere five times a month... I decided to utilize all of my taxi trips from now on - even if I have to force myself into leaving the house.
- Find a new balance between my body and mind. This will take time. Now my mind keeps looking for changes, notices everything, analyzes everything my body does. I need to let go a little. Trust my body, trust the meds and the docs more. This vigil serves no real purpose. Maybe I could let go a little... I'm not sure of I manage to do it, but it will be my third goal.
So, I dared myself to exercise more than normally today. I also remembered how much I love the woods - the smell, the shapes of the trees, the birds, the flowers, the fresh air. I live in suburbia, and don't get to walk out in the countryside at all. And I used to love to take long walks and hikes. I'm going to enjoy this forest every day.
I've also tried to change my eating habits for the better. I've cut the amount of fast carbs and tried to choose quality proteins. Learning to enjoy fish might be another goal... No, I'm going to get some Omega 3 capsules instead.
Now it's half past eleven and my body feels tired, just as it should. Interesting!